I had hoped to never write a post like this. Never, in my life, would I wish this upon anyone. But communal trauma is real and it can happen to you.
For me, it was a massacre in my city. In a synagogue. Ten minutes from my congregation. On Shabbat. And I wasn’t there. I was across the country, celebrating a personal simcha. I returned home a few days afterward on Wednesday. There are lessons from the first few days after the attack, but I cannot speak of these personally.
And yet, there is much to learn and ways we can do better. Since that is the purpose of this blog, tragedies do not prevent us from the possibility of improving ourselves.
So this post is a reflection of some of what I’ve learned in the past week as my community reels.
Ok, let’s get to it.
1. Listen
Seems obvious, I know.
As rabbis, we often have a lot to say and we want to fix the problems we’re encountering. So badly, we want to offer answers. Why did this happen to us? However, in the midst of a tragedy and communal grief, people don’t want to hear answers, not yet at least.
What we can offer is listening.
Open ears to hear their grief, to recognize their sadness, and to honor them by giving them our attention. This is essential, not just in the short term, but also in the long term by showing that you are worth trusting.
So make sure to listen, to actually listen, to your people.
2. Find Trauma Experts
This was a necessary step for me. These experts will help you serve in the wake of the communal trauma.
Through connections and communal foresight, I was able to be in touch with trauma and traumatic stress specialists. The ability to call them to talk about what I should do and how I should respond was helpful.
We sometimes feel that we don’t want to say the wrong thing. I expressed that very thought to one of the experts directly on Wednesday morning. He told me, “you’re not going to say something wrong. Just do your best.” I needed that boost of confidence. More importantly, he was right. People just want to see you and know that you are there.
Throughout the week, I was able to implement their expertise. In person, I was able to put these experts in front teachers and parents. From a distance, their support of me personally, helped me serve my people better.
Find those experts now, build relationships with them, so you can connect them appropriately when you need to. It might not be at the time of an attack, but perhaps for a person’s personal trauma.
3. Listen
What, listening again?
Yes, but for a different reason. In the communal trauma realm, we must be listening for changes. Not everyone grieves the same way and we need to be listening to our people and their reactions.
It is reasonable in the first week for people to be freaking out. However, according to the trauma specialists I spoke to, watching and listening for how people are reacting in the weeks to come is an essential practice.
We should always keep tabs on how people are responding and acting. Are they becoming more withdrawn? Are they acting out? Whatever it is, keep your finger on the pulse.
4. Patience and Calm
After such a communal trauma, everyone switches into crisis mode. No one sleeps and everyone freaks out. Honestly, this is a reasonable response. Be a calm and patient presence to help, not just yourself but also everyone else.
We look to those calm people in stressful times. People are looking up to you.
It also means recognizing that a great deal is not going to happen the way and when you want it to happen. If you have extra capacity, take a responsibility from someone else. If you don’t, learn to delegate.
5. Don’t worry about the small stuff
In a tragedy, you have to forget about all of the things that don’t matter at that moment. I am still catching up on emails from weeks before. I have to be able to recognize that while they are important, they are not urgent.
It will be hard because we have been trained to look at all of our emails and tasks and see them as all equal. It isn’t true.
6. Take care of yourself
This one is the most important. Burn out it real and it slams you in the face.
There is no pretending that you don’t need it.
You can’t escape it.
It is going to impact you.
Take care of your own well-being so that you can help others.
Everyone will offer help to you and it will be up to you to take it up.
It is still true that your congregants will want to help but probably cannot.
Make sure you reach out to your colleagues in the city and support them too. Find those who live elsewhere and lean on them.
7. Be together and be seen
There can be a tendency to want to be by yourself after a serious communal trauma like this, to process it on your own. However, it is necessary to be out in public.
First and foremost, communal trauma requires communal healing. We have to be there for one another and people need to know that they can and should be there for others. This is why Shiva makes so much sense. We ask people to sit together in grief and healing.
Next, people need to see you. They need to know that you’ll be there for them. You’ll be giving hugs, sitting with people, and just showing up in public places. They feel better having seen you and knowing that you are out there helping the community.
There are no wrong ways to help your people.
That is mostly true. If you ignore everyone in your community who needs you, then you need to find serious support and ask for help.
I wished to never write this post. But we learn from experience and now this has been added to mine.
I’ve been writing about the past week a few times, if you want to find those, you can click the links below.
My post on that Saturday night on the eve of my wedding.
Want to read more? Check out other blog posts.
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